


The Earth is Not the Problem!

by Jenner



Category: Dirty Pair (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ants, Bisexual Female Character, Environmentalism, Explosions, F/F, Geology, Socialism, they/them pronouns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 18:10:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17812919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenner/pseuds/Jenner
Summary: Kei, Yuri, and Mughi are sent on an assignment to the distant planet of Wegener to investigate reports of subterranean anomalies once there they discover the cause and must work together to fix it (and maybe find love in the process!)





	The Earth is Not the Problem!

Kei and Yuri lounge aboard their ship, the Lovely Angel, in space gazing upon a massive series of explosions they are most certainly the cause of. Kei sits in the passenger seat, eating an enormous burrito.We have never seen her at the helm and it is entirely possible that she is simply too gay to be trusted to pilot the spacecraft. My evidence? They let the giant space cat drive it. Anyway, Yuri finishes applying lipstick and turns to Kei,  
"For the longest time I wondered why the agency even bothered to send us to investigate claims but after seeing this--" She gestures to the explosions, still happening. "Enough times I think the point of sending us is to discourage people from making claims entirely."  
Kei digs out two pairs of sunglasses with a thoughtful expression on her face, handing one pair to Yuri as she slides the other pair over her eyes. An enormous super bright explosion illuminates the cabin just as Yuri gets hers on. (Mughi is already wearing sunglasses.) Eventually the light dims and Kei finishes her burrito, licking her fingers clean, before speaking to Yuri,  
"The way I see it, society is constantly expanding and it is likely that we will never run out of things to blow up in our lifetimes. Even if clients stopped making claims there would always be the random hostage situation to negotiate, or illegal drug smuggling operation to investigate, or weird psychic child to babysit..."  
Yuri laughs, "Oh God, I forgot about the psychic child."  
"I want to meet at least one talking dog before I retire." Kei says.  
The screen lights up with their new assignment. They are to go to the distant planet of Wegener and investigate reports of subterranean anomalies. They head off, arguing over what station to put on the radio.

They arrive at the planet and find a place to dock, a man waves them in. The man flirts brazenly with Yuri as they head to the seismometer. Kei and Yuri listen intently to what the scientists are saying and examine the read outs thoroughly.  
"Yup, there is definitely some seismic fuckery going on." Says Kei.  
"Have you been drilling or excavating?" Asks Yuri. "Sometimes that can cause this kind of thing."  
The head scientist tells them that some worthless billionaire had recently tried digging a tunnel under the expressway because they were too important for traffic and had found some tunnels.  
Kei looks to Yuri, "Giant bugs?"  
Yuri nods, "Giant bugs." They get the satchel charges from the ship as the head scientist follows them, fretting,  
"Won't this make it worse?" The head scientist asks.  
Kei grins, "Yeah, it's gonna be awesome."  
On their way to the man-created tunnel that leads to the, presumably, bug-created tunnel Yuri sighs wistfully,  
"I think, I would very much like to meet this billionaire. I bet he's attractive."  
Kei shakes her head, "Even if he's not attractive, he's a billionaire."  
Yuri frowns, "Why would he not be attractive? If he is a billionaire, he can afford to be attractive."  
Their driver, unable to keep out of their conversation, remarks, "He's trash is what he is. We didn't start having these earthquakes and rockslides until he did his nonsense."  
Kei and Yuri frown, "Has he done this kind of thing before?" Yuri asks.  
The driver grunts, "Not this kind of thing exactly but this isn't the first time he's messed everything up without any blowback. He won't face any consequences this time either."  
"Wow," Kei says. "Trash."  
"Yup." Says the driver.  
"Such a shame," says Yuri, "I wanted his money."  
The driver laughs, "Yeah, you and everybody else on this planet."  
Kei's face was set in a determined expression, "Maybe this time will be different. We're here."  
The driver snorted, "Good luck."  
They arrived at the tunnel entrance. The driver watched as the pair unloaded all the explosives from the trunk of the car, wished them luck again, and drove off.  
Loaded up with explosives, Kei checked her guns as they made their way into the tunnel. Upon seeing them, the private security guarding the entrance exclaimed,  
"D-D-Dirty Pair!"  
"Lovely Angels." Kei corrected as the two of them ducked under the caution tape and strode confidently into the tunnel. The private security gave them a wide berth.  
The artificial tunnel was lit but once they made their way into the natural tunnels they had to use their own lights. At some point, while nervously making their way through the tunnels, their lights suddenly malfunctioned, plunging them into darkness. After much cursing, panicking, and blaming each other the lights snapped back on for the pair to discover they were now holding hands.  
Flustered, they released each other's hands and continued down the tunnel.

Meanwhile, on the surface, Mughi has entered the billionaire's corporate headquarters. In the opulent waiting room is a lavish table full of delicious fancy food and several towers of champagne glasses. Mughi approaches the table and, at first, politely partakes of a few of the delicacies before beginning to just shovel whole swaths of deliciousness into his mouth. In his disgustingly and unnecessarily ornate office the billionaire gets a message from his receptionist that the Dirty Pair is there to see him. Expecting the two beautiful women, he does himself up and heads down to meet the pair only to find his guest is an enormous cat creature, drunk on champagne and full up on hors d'oeuvres.  
"Excuse me, what are you doing?" Asked the worthless billionaire.  
"Mrow." Replied Mughi, mouth full of food and still being stuffed with food.

Back in the tunnels, The girls are screaming and fleeing from a large number of giant fire-breathing ants.  
"If we want to defeat them, we have to take out the queen!" Yuri shouted.  
Kei, recklessly flinging a satchel charge into the mandibles of an ant and detonating it replies, "Wonderful!"  
"Should you be setting off explosions this rashly?" Yuri asks.  
"Should you be finding out which way we go?" Kei counters.  
Yuri hurriedly fiddles with some kind of handheld radar/sonar device as Kei fires her gun errantly down the tunnel at the ants to no discernible effect. Yuri gets Kei's attention and points off in a direction and Kei, ducking away from the blast of flame exhaled by an ant, follows her. But they quickly run into more giant ants. Another route is chosen but there are still more ants. The ants are everywhere and there doesn't seem to be a way to bypass them or escape them.  
"I believe, my dear friend, that we are screwed." Kei announced as she sat down by Yuri. Both women were sweating and panting for breath.  
Yuri leaned against her friend with a small smile, she seemed happy. "At least I'll die in good company."  
Kei grinned, "I can't believe this is what it took for you to say something nice to me."

Meanwhile, the worthless billionaire was giving Mughi a tour of the factory where the machinery his workers made were produced. Mughi looked about with ire at the assembly lines and listless, exhausted-looking employees who were doing their best to appear content and industrious. Mughi was no fool, he knew he was being shown the ideal scenario with the best workers in the best conditions so if even the best wore their misery this openly he could only imagine the state of the workers that were out of sight.  
"As you can see, my product is incredibly environmentally sound." Said the man who drilled a tunnel through the planet's crust just so he could avoid having to sit in traffic. "Made mostly out of recycled materials."  
"Mrew" Replied Mughi with a sigh before he spotted, out of the corner of his eye, the driver who had dropped the girls off at the tunnel entrance lifting a heavy component without any type of assistance. He slithered over to the driver and helped them. The billionaire scowled and paged a manager, he wouldn't belittle himself by talking to the worker himself, he had people for that. A manager quickly hurried over and began to berate the driver.  
"What are you doing? There's a machine for lifting." The manager scowled.  
"The lifting machine's been broken for weeks, you haven't repaired it." The driver answered.  
"Did you put in a repair request?" The manager asked.  
"Five times." The driver said.  
As they talked, the billionaire tried to navigate Mughi away from the pair, but Mughi was watching with interest.  
"Do you want a pink slip?" The manager asked.  
"So soon after your last round of layoffs?" The driver said.  
The manager was now trying to guide the driver off the main floor and Mughi grabbed a nearby clipboard, with attached paper, and a marker and wrote something on it then sidled up to the driver and their manager. Cleverly, Mughi slipped a communicator into the driver's pocket before more openly handing the clipboard to them as they were escorted away.  
With a very exaggerated shrug, Mughi rejoined the billionaire.  
"I'm sorry about that," The billionaire said. Mughi didn't think the billionaire knew what he really should be apologizing for as he continued to go along with the tour.

In the back office, the manager sat down and began to fill out some paperwork.  
"What are you doing?" The driver asked, they had tucked the clipboard under their arm without looking at it.  
"I'm writing you up." The manager replied calmly.  
"For what?" The driver asked.  
"Insubordination, being out of your assigned area, stuff like that."  
The driver stuffed their hands in their pockets, finding the communicator. "What does this mean for me?"  
"It will reflect on your performance review."  
The driver sighed, it meant they weren't likely to get a bonus this year. Something they relied on to make ends meet. The thing is, if they had just left the component there they or someone else would have also been written up.  
"Damned if you do, damned if you don't..." The driver murmured under their breath as the write up was filed away and they were ordered back to work.  
On their way back to their station, they pulled out the communicator and looked at the clipboard. A small smile stretched across their face.

Back in the tunnels, the ants were closing in and Yuri and Kei were hugging one another when suddenly their communicator blipped and a familiar voice sounded awkwardly from the speaker,  
"Is this thing on? Fuck. Hello? Hello? Ladies, what's going on down there?" It was their driver.  
"Would you believe giant fire-breathing ants?" Yuri answered.  
"Yes." The driver replied, "They've always been there. Been there forever. We tried taming them and--"  
"They've been here forever?" Kei interjected.  
"Oh, absolutely. They were here way before us. They were here when we colonized the place."  
Yuri and Kei looked at each other. "They're not responsible for the earthquakes and rockslides."  
A burst of flame drove them from their cover and sent them running.  
"What's your plan?" The driver asked.  
"Right now? Survive. Originally we were going to kill the queen but that won't solve anything." Kei replied as they fled down a tunnel.  
"Can you make it back to the man-made tunnel and just seal off where the billionaire dug in? The ants will probably just go back to what they were doing." The driver suggested.  
"We have no idea how to get past the ants." Yuri said hurriedly as a waft of flame burst nearby.  
"Hold tight, they're just defending their territory. If I give them a bigger threat they'll respond to that." The driver said.  
"You're gonna cause a distraction?" Yuri asked.  
"Yup." More fire was happening.  
"Shouldn't you be doing your job?" Kei asked.  
Laughter barked over the communicator, "Fuck this job." Then silence.  
Pinned down between ants, Yuri and Kei could only take cover and hope the driver knew what they were doing.

Back in the factory, Mughi was being introduced to some of the workers. With a big grin and a lot of enthusiasm, Mughi shook each of their hands and, in the process, slipped each of them a slip of paper. Eventually, the tour was over and Mughi was escorted back outside and left to their own devices as the billionaire ducked into his expensive luxury car and was driven away. With no time to spare, Mughi rushed to the parking garage and made his way to the executive parking level. There, he found the driver hurriedly going over the fancy cars and Mughi walked up to them and produced a crowbar only to find that the driver had brought their own.  
Snapcut to the road leading to the tunnel entrance, a huge and ridiculously expensive vehicle is tearing down the road at an equally ridiculous speed. Mughi is strapped into the passenger seat and the driver has both hands on the steering wheel as All That You Are blares on the radio. The private security raise their weapons as the vehicle barrels towards them, the driver only presses the pedal down more, the energy beams rip forth from the security's weapons and shred into the SUV as Mughi ducks down in his seat. The driver turns up the radio as some of the shots rip into them, the security guards dive out of the way as the vehicle plows through them and continues on. Cackling wildly, the driver drives the SUV right into the ant tunnels as Mughi gazes at them with concern. 

It was pretty cathartic to keep exploding ants, but as great as it felt it had also caused a few cave-ins and it also didn't seem to reduce the number of ants nor discourage them remotely. So, when she had opted to blow a hole into the tunnel wall and take shelter in it with Yuri, Kei had thought it was a good idea. Now, as a huge ant blasted fire into the hole, Kei was reconsidering. They were deep enough that the flames couldn't reach them but that didn't stop the heat from building up. The air was becoming too hot to breathe comfortably, on top of other things.  
"I've really enjoyed being your partner." Yuri says to Kei.  
Kei smiles and responds, "I feel the same, I couldn't have asked for a better partner."  
They rested their heads against each others, closing their eyes and-- was that music? Was that a horn blaring? From their limited view from within the crevasse they could not see the full extent of chaos as ants scuttled out of the path of the enormous luxury SUV which slammed right into the ant breathing fire into their hidey hole and just. kept. going. The flames blasted against the ceiling as the ant was carried down the tunnels. The rest of the ants immediately hurried after the vehicle and Kei, wasting no time, grabbed Yuri's hand and hurried back towards the exit.  
"But... but... the driver!" Yuri protested.  
Kei's face was set with determination as she pulled her partner along, "They'll be fine."  
Yuri did not look convinced, gazing over her shoulder as she was drawn along.  
The entrance to the ant tunnels was loaded with explosives but rather then detonate them right that moment, Kei turned to Yuri,  
"We need to collapse the entire tunnel structure."  
Yuri did not stop frowning, but nodded.  
As they set all the charges, slowly making their way out of the tunnel, they heard the ominous hum of energy weapons charging up.  
"Madams, we cannot allow you to continue." A security officer said.  
"Do you want the earthquakes and rockslides to keep happening?" Yuri asked.  
One of the security officers shrugged, "It doesn't harm our boss."  
Kei exhaled, "You're not getting paid enough for this."  
"Hand over the detonator ma'am." Said the same security officer.  
"Fuckin' bootlickers." Kei said scornfully as she offered over the detonator. The man took it and began to escort the pair out.  
But Yuri and Kei shared a look, and as soon as they were outside the tunnels they began to hesitate. With a frustrated sound, the men started to urge them on and Yuri pretended to trip only to strike out with her energy whip and knock three of the seven down while Kei leapt at an officer and threw him into another. Energy weapons started discharging as Kei and Yuri each picked out one of the two remaining officers and slammed into them. As Yuri clotheslined her target into the ground Kei punched her target right in the face and then followed it up with a left hook which dropped him effortlessly. The three men struck by the whip started to get to their feet as the two men thrown into each other struggled with each other.  
Kei looked to the three men and scratched under her nose,  
"This isn't going to end well for you."  
They rushed them. Yuri ducked an attempted grab and elbowed the man in the gut then slammed both hands into the back of his head sending him face first into the pavement as Kei danced away from several thrown punches from the other two officers before bashing their heads into each other and sent them dropping to the ground. They turned to the two remaining men, Yuri tossing her hair and Kei cracking her knuckles. They raised their arms in surrender. As Yuri tied the officers up Kei snatched the detonator from the officer and flipped the cap up and, after only a moment of hesitation, pressed the button. A muffled sound and eruption of rocks and dust belched from the tunnel entrance as distantly, they heard, music. As the tunnels bucked and collapsed a huge luxury SUV, on fire, burst from the mouth of the tunnel and two figures dove out of it as the vehicle slammed into some of the drilling equipment and exploded.  
"Think that will stop the earthquakes and rockslides?" Yuri asked, looking to the caved in tunnel.  
Kei shrugged as the two figures made their way over to the group, "I suspect it might but that doesn't solve the whole problem."  
"Oh?" Yuri looked to her partner.  
Kei waved to the approaching figures, "Yeah, the real problem is the billionaire."  
Mughi laid the driver down by them.  
"Oh heck, you're all shot up. Should we call an ambulance?" Yuri asked worriedly.  
The driver snorted, "If you want to kill me, go ahead and call the ambulance."  
Kei tilted her head, "What does that mean?"  
"I can't afford the hospital bill." The driver said weakly.  
"Don't you have good insurance?" Yuri asked.  
The driver pulled out the folded sheet of paper from their breast pocket an unfolded it with a wistful smile. "There's no such thing as 'good insurance.'"  
They tended the driver's injuries as best they could and borrowed one of the security vehicles to return to the factory with. Mughi helped the injured driver back into the factory, giving the girls a thumbs up.

The billionaire was furious, but he couldn't let them know he was furious. Instead, he invited the Lovely Angels to his lavish mansion for a fancy party to celebrate the end of the earthquakes and such. When Yuri and Kei received the invitation they grinned to each other, accepted them, put on their best outfits, and got more explosives. While the workers toiled in the factory Kei and Yuri were dropped off at the lavish evening party. They made their way in, arm-in-arm, and were greeted warmly by the billionaire. Kei and Yuri gazed around with wide eyes. It was difficult to not be overwhelmed, and impressed, by the billionaire's wealth as the mansion was richly decorated and no expense was spared on food and entertainment. Yuri squeezed Kei's elbow and slipped free of her, sliding her arm into the billionaire's arm instead and walking off with him. Kei grabbed a glass of champagne from a host and set about her mission. As the day pressed on, Kei made her rounds throughout the mansion, some areas were off limits but she talked her way into them. By the time she was finished with her objective she made her way out to the back yard where Yuri and the billionaire were dancing together. She seemed to be really enjoying herself and Kei's face pinched up into a sour expression. There was a sudden fuss amongst the upper crusts as a handful of shabby workers from the factory walked in with Mughi. Kei waved to the driver and they waved back as security descended on them.  
Yuri batted her eyes at the billionaire,  
"Surely, they can be welcome here." She purred at him.  
He smiled down at her and stated, magnanimously, "Of course, of course, let them stay."  
The upper crusts did not look happy but the workers went right for the banquet. The driver filled their plate up with meat, grabbed a glass of champagne, and settled down by Kei. Quietly, the pair watched the billionaire court Yuri.  
"Have you ever considered..." The driver drawled, "That men ain't shit?"  
Kei looked to the driver as they set their now empty plate aside and pulled out a pack of cigarettes from their back pocket.  
"Excuse me?" Kei asked.  
The driver shrugged as they slapped the pack of cigarettes against the heel of their hand, "Why does he get the girl? Men are trash. Go in there and sweep her off her feet."  
Kei looked from the driver to Yuri and the billionaire and back. She finished off her glass of wine and stormed out onto the dance floor as the driver pulled out a cigarette and slid it into their mouth.  
"May I cut in?" Kei asked, but didn't wait for an answer. She just swept Yuri away from the billionaire. Yuri laughed softly as she was drawn along by Kei,  
"What are you doing?"  
Kei grinned at her and winked, "Sweeping you off your feet."  
Yuri snorted, "Be serious."  
Kei pulled her closer and dipped her, "I am serious."  
Yuri blushed, clinging to Kei.  
"All this time we've worked together. You and I both chasing boys. But we never chased each other. And we've been through so much together, Yuri, just so much. I couldn't imagine life without you at this point. So why do we trouble ourselves with boys when we could be making trouble for, and with, each other?" Kei asked.  
Yuri smiled softly, "An interesting proposition."  
Kei spun her out and then pulled her back in just as the billionaire approached them.  
"I don't want to pressure you much more," Kei said quietly, "Men do that. So take your time on your decision and when you have an answer I'll be glad to hear it."  
Yuri chuckled, sliding her arms around Kei's waist. "What if I've already made my decision?"  
Kei grinned, "I'd love to hear it."  
Yuri bent in to press her lips to Kei's just as the billionaire thrust his arms between the pair and pushed them apart. "Excuse me!"  
Kei rummaged through her dress, scowling.  
"This is my date." The billionaire declared as Yuri also scowled at him.  
Kei pulled out a detonator. "Naw."  
Yuri's eyes widened and she hurried to Kei's side. The billionaire gaped at Kei with wide eyes.  
"But, it is your party" Kei said, flicking open the top of the detonator, "And you can cry if you want to." She pushed the button.  
A shockwave rippled out across the backyard and, with a sudden boom, the billionaire's mansion exploded outwards in a shower of wrath and fire.  
With the explosion illuminating the sky like fireworks, Kei bent in and kissed Yuri passionately as the billionaire fell to his knees with a wail of anguish. Yuri kissed back, her hands gathering Kei's collar into tight fists.

The mansion was, in fact, still burning as the Lovely Angels, the Dirty Pair, made their way onto their ship.  
Kei hesitated and looked to the driver, who stood watching the fire with a delight in their eyes, the unlit cigarette still hanging from their mouth. Kei pulled out a lighter,  
"Want a light?"  
The driver looked over to her, "Hm? Oh. Oh no, I don't smoke."  
Kei raised an eyebrow, "But... the cigarette?"  
The driver chuckled, "Oh yeah, that. My boss smokes, so he has sympathy for smokers and gives them smoke breaks. I just pretend to smoke so I can take more breaks."  
Kei grinned, "I like it." Yuri called for Kei.  
"You gonna be okay?" Kei asked the driver.  
The driver pulled the folded piece of paper out of their breast pocket and nodded, "Yeah, I'm gonna be fine."  
As the Lovely Angel took off and flew away, the driver unfolded the paper and looked down at it. Written upon it was one simple word,  
"UNIONIZE."

Kei and Yuri lounged in bed together, a call came in for their next mission, they hung up and shared another kiss.  
The end.


End file.
